I have not felt much like writing lately. I'm starting to wonder if I have out-grown the need to blog. In the event that I haven't, I offer an update on life and my thoughts lately.

The end of July brought a much needed vacation for us. Every other year we go to the Outer Banks with my in-laws and another family. The weather was wonderful. The water was chilly though. Every day was spent at the beach or pool. I think I took a grand total of 8 pictures while away. I was so busy doing nothing, that I didn't even bring out the camera to document the week and a half. We had plans to go to the aquarium. Or the lighthouse. Or go 4-wheeling. None of them happened. I think it was the most laid back I've ever been on a vacation. We did puzzles. I read the half of two books (finished one I was half way through and read half of a second). We played games, went shopping, and enjoyed good company.

We've been back about 2 weeks now. But it seems like vacation was forever ago. The first week back was really busy at work. My family visited the next weekend. To celebrate my parents 30th anniversary, we booked a photographer to take some portraits (couple and family) for them. They haven't had professional photos of just the two of them since their wedding. I was apprehensive. I thought it was a great idea. But I wasn't sure if they would agree with me. Once we got started I think they had a great time. My mom kept telling me how much fun she had. We will hopefully see proofs soon.

My husband's schedule at work was changed again. It seems that every year or so he gets a new schedule. I suppose this keeps us flexible. I have to admit that it makes planning anything difficult. He has been asking me how to plan his days off for the holidays. Our first two Thanksgivings as a married couple, were spent alone here in the city. Last year his scheduled allowed him to come with me to visit my family in Maryland. This year, I think I will go away, but he will be here working. I have always told him that he has to take off Christmas Day. He can work any other holiday throughout the year, but Christmas Day he must wake up with me. It is reserved for family.

The good thing about this new schedule is that he is FINALLY working M-F. For the first time in 3 years of marriage we will have the same days off! For so long I think I was in survival mode; this is our life, so let's just make it work. But 3 years is a long time to go without that time with your husband. Downside of the new schedule are the hours. He'll work 2pm - 11pm. It beats overnights where we didn't sleep together. However, I leave for work and he's at home. I come home and he's gone. By the time he gets in, I'm exhausted and just want to go to bed. Going 5 whole days without much contact with him, is going to be hard. I'm approaching this one day at a time. The most important thing is that he has wanted this schedule for a long time. And I think that he'll be a much happier person. Plus I'm looking forward to Saturday morning coffee dates with my love.

On my mind lately has been the thought of settling down. Mainly where we will settle down, and what our life will look like. While driving through Virginia or Delaware or somewhere, on our way back from vacation, I thought more about how much more we could get if we weren't in the city.

Just a little house, big enough for out family to grow. A little patch of green, where we can plant a garden, and where our children can play. My life will be unnoticed anyway. So why spend it trying to make it mean something? I don't say this to be pessimistic. But chances are that I will live and die with few people to remember me. I'm ok with that. But I don't want to spend this life striving to be important to everyone else. I want to be remembered as a wife that my husband could never think of replacing. A mother that loved and left lasting marks in the hearts and characters of her children. A friend that made the good times sweeter and the hard times easier to walk through.
The city overwhelms me at times. I feel like everyone is competing for better houses, better jobs, better things, better friends. A little less metropolitan for me please.

It's 3:38pm. I'm just now sitting down to lunch. And an update post. B/c seriously it's been a while. And I apologize.

But I have a really good excuse. I have been out of town every weekend for the past month. And in between the weekends, I've been working like crazy. I can't remember a time that things have been so busy at work.

The first weekend I was away on a women's retreat with church. It was amazing. I honestly had no expectations going into the weekend. We drove down in fairly good time. I got to know new friends. The talks Friday night and Saturday morning were good. But something hit me hard that evening. And I think I'll forever be different. I have grown up in the church and have a great deal of head knowledge about the Bible and God and faith and whatever else. But head and heart are two totally different things. Sometimes when religion is all you ever know, you end up knowning a lot, but feeling less. At least that's the case for me. I can't remember a time in my life that I wasn't saved. So I don't really know what it's like to be without God's pressence in my life. Do I therefore know if He's enough? This was just some of what I encountered.

The following weekend I was home for my brother's high school graduation. We drove down on Friday night. And since the ceremony wasn't till Monday morning we had a whole weekend to enjoy time with family. On Saturday we watched World Cup matches and then visited my cousin at Panera, where she works. On Sunday I visisted a co-worker and her newborn daugher. Followed by more World Cup and a birthday dinner for my sister and me. Monday, after graduation, we ate at Olive Garden and then the hubbers and I drove home.

If I hadn't mentioned it, the end of May and all of June promised/promise to be very busy. I had my sister's graduation. The next weekend I was to go dress shopping, with my college roommate, for the wedding of our other roommate. Then my parents were coming up for Memorial Day weekend.

Well all these plans were foiled (roommate was sick, my dad's back went out and he's having trouble walking). As bummed as I was about this, I found a way to keep busy.

The best part of the holiday weekend was just knowing that I had Monday off. I attended a baby shower/brunch on Saturday. It was laid back, since this was a celebration for a 2nd baby. All the guests brought diapers and a dish to share. We brunched, played baby Pictionary, gabbed and then headed home. My husband had already left for work when I got home. I was motivated to clean the apartment. Though I'm not exactly sure why. I started with:
- 2 loads of laundry (washed and dried)
- dusted
- vacuumed downstairs and half of upstairs
- cleaned bathroom
- washed and dried bathroom mats
- changed, washed and dried sheets
- cut up pineapple
- cut up, marinated, froze chicken cutlets
- cut up veggies for stir fry
- cleaned kitchen counters
- annual scrub of inside of microwave
- annual scrub of counter top below and behind microwave
- cut up chicken for stir fry
- made stir fry (for Sunday's dinner)
- washed multiple loads of dishes

I finally sat down to dinner 5 hours after I got home, feeling somewhat accomplished.

Sunday, we went to church, as always, and then I napped for 2.5 hours. I decided that something productive had to be done, so I put on my sneakers and decided to pay the husband a visit at work. I walked all the way down to his office (over 2 miles) and took the bus back. It felt wonderful to get out and take a walk. I love how close everything is in the city. We walk almost everywhere.

Monday was a treat. My husband was actually off. I can't remember when we were both off work and had nothing to do. I was so glad all my chores had been completed earlier in the weekend. We go ready for the day and walked to a new coffee shop. I wasn't too impressed. But we sat outside with our drinks and talked. Then we walked down South St. Then home to pick up the car. We drove to Whole Foods and bought a picnic lunch. We drove back home and packed up the cooler, went back out and ate at the park down the street. I read a book. Husband laid down for a little cat nap. We came home not long after, I napped for a hour. And then started dinner for friends we had coming over.

It was a very relaxing weekend. While I would have liked to visit with my parents it was a good weekend over all. I'm out of town the next 4 weekends. So I'm grateful for the down time. Let the summer madness begin!

I went to Babies R Us this past weekend to shop for a baby shower gift. The closes store was in NJ, so I dragged my husband along with me for the drive. I promised him that I was going to walk in, find the gift, and walk out. No browsing or ooo-ing or aaww-ing.

I had the registry in hand and made a B-line for the diapers. I had decided to get my girlfriend the Diaper Genie she had picked out. So we verified the product name, price, even the product number. I didn't want to be that guest that got the wrong gift. I have no baby experience. There was a good chance that I'd mess up. I didn't want that to happen.

So we walked to the front of the store and handed the large box to the cashier. The following is my conversation with the cashier. My husband stood there, silent. Lucky guy!

Cashier: Do you have a rewards card?
Me: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for one today? It's free?
Me: No. This is just a gift for a friend.
Cashier: Would you like to give your address to receive flyers?
Me: No. I'm not pregnant. This is kinda of a one time purchase.
Cashier: Would you like to add batteries to your purchase today?
I look at the big box of batteries on the counter. I look at the Diaper Genie.
Me: Do you need batteries for a Diaper Genie??
Cashier: No. But I'm supposed to ask everyone.
Me: Oh. Obviously I don't have kids and don't know these things.
I notice the lady behind me finding a bit of pleasure in my ignorance.
Cashier: Would you like to donate a dollar...
Me: No thank you.

I paid, and then attempted to wrap this massive box. The paper I 'measured' was too little. Oh well.

My husband and I walked out...glanced at each other.....so glad that the experience was over. He likened it to his first trip to Victoria's Secret. Felt very out of place.

Oh and we have both come down with an insane case of sticker shock! Does a 6 lbs baby really need a $500 crib?? We had better start saving now!

Making friends was so much easier when I was younger. I had so much more in common with my peers. And getting together required very little effort. The reason....school. I saw my friends every day at school. We all had the same homework. We all rode the same bus. We all heard the same gossip. We had a lot in common and we were always together.

But I grew up. I moved to a new city. And I find myself (2.5 years later) without a really close friend here. There are people I do things with. But for the most part I feel like I spend a lot of my time with my husband or alone.

Am I alone here? Does anyone understand what I'm getting at? I tend to think that I am. As the years have passed I find it more and more difficult to actually make new friends.

I grew up all over the world, moving every few years. The act of making new friends and then leaving them is very taxing. It requires a great deal of energy to put yourself out there again and again and again. I feel like I'm always the one pursuing a friendship. No one wants to make the first move with me. So I finally started to give up. Some people I know who had similar childhoods got into a habit of having very shallow relationships. The rational being that if you are just going to move in a year or two, and never see this person again, why bare your soul? It'll just hurt that much more when you leave. I, on the other hand, learned to do 'alone' really well.

So long as I have my core (my immediate family and now my husband) I can go a long long while without other meaningful relationships. It's not healthy. I know. Keeping in touch with friends has been something that I've been trying to work on.

Aside from family, I have a small set of girls that I consider my best friends. They all live far away. And it sucks. It sucks big time.

The nature of my job means that all my coworkers are not in the same city as I am. I don't have work friends.
My husband and I have joined a church. We got to home group once a week. But no one that I get together with on a regular basis to just chew the fat. We talk about church stuff. Bible stuff. Important stuff, but sometimes I just want to talk about how my week was and what I struggle with daily. Not the book of Romans.

Today the thing that seemed to set off these feelings that I keep so deep inside, was a facebook photo album. Three couples in our home group seem to have really hit it off with each other. I guess they all went camping. And I started to think, why do they hit it off? What's wrong with me that they never ask me to do stuff?

I feel like I have nothing in common with people here. They are either single, or married with kids. I'm in between. They like to run and bike and rock climb. I like to sit home and watch playoff hockey.

It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm never going to find good friends up here. And I hate trying to survive on bread and water type relationships. Hoping that they will get me through the months till it's time to see my best friends.

Our God is a triune relational being. We were made to be in relationships with Him and with each other. If this is what we're made for, wired for, prone to seek out.....why are relationships so hard?